For Life Coach and Public Speaker, Clayton Kirkland, being a Happiness Hero means helping others explore their happiness, and it means understanding his own relationship with joy and happiness.
In the 2nd season of the What Do You Know To Be True? podcast we’re exploring the role of joy in finding one’s superpower and living into one’s possible self or potential, so I wanted to learn more from Clayton about what he knows to bring true happiness for himself and how he helps others find it too.
Clayton shares many of the lessons from his award-winning book, “Happiness Trek: 200 Lessons for Happiness,” and what stuck out for me the most was how much happiness is created by being in relations with and creating happiness for others.
I had this old notion that only we can create our own happiness, we alone are responsible for our own level of happiness, but Clayton challenges that idea.
He also shares his Happiness Scale, like the Pain Scale a doctor uses in pain management, but the opposite of Happiness is not the absence of happiness, it’s suffering.
And this is where it gets interesting. As a Buddhist, Clayton knows one of the Four Noble Truths of the Buddha is ‘life is suffering,’ and happiness is what alleviates suffering.
Full circle, if you want to help someone experience more happiness, relieving their suffering is a great place to start.
In this episode, Clayton answers the following questions:
- How to create more happiness for myself?
- What is the difference between joy and happiness?
- What are the keys to happiness?
- How to alleviate suffering?
My favorite quote from the episode: “I give myself permission to be human, everyday.”
Clayton shares this as part of his daily mantra, and what this does is opens Clayton to welcome more grace and acceptance into his day for himself. What is possible if we applied this for ourselves?
Resources mentioned in the episode:
- Clayton’s Website: https://www.happinesstrek.com/
- Clayton’s Book: Happiness Trek: 200 Lessons For Happiness
Chapters
0:00 Intro and Welcome
4:21 Difference between Joy & Happiness
10:32 Importance of Bringing Happiness to Others
14:15 The Happiness Scale
17:11 How Much Suffering Do We Create Ourselves?
21:25 Admiring Vulnerability and Adaptability
22:38 Relationship between Vulnerability and Happiness
24:50 Inspiration to be a Happiness Hero
26:09 Framework for being a Happiness Hero
27:21 Relationship between your Purpose and Superpower
29:01 Superpower Impact on Clayton
33:29 What’s true about Happiness?
35:14 Lightning Round
Videos in this episode are from Blue Bird, cottonbro studio, olia danilevich, Pavel Danilyuk, Edmond Dantes, Suzy Hazelwood, Ron Lach, Max Medyk, Pressmaster, Danik Prihodko, August de Richelieu, RDNE Stock Project, Antoni Shkraba, Yaroslav Shuraev, Ketut Subiyanto, Martina Tomšič, Pat Whelen, Matilda Wormwood
Music in this episode by Ian Kastner.
"What Do You Know To Be True?" is a series of conversations where I speak with interesting people about their special talent or superhero power and the meaningful impact it has on others. The intention is to learn more about their experience with their superhero power, so that we can learn something about the special talent in each of us which allows us to connect more deeply with our purpose and achieve our potential.
For more info about the podcast or to check out more episodes, go to: https://whatdoyouknowtobetrue.com/
"What Do You Know To Be True?" is hosted by Roger Kastner, is a production of Three Blue Pens, and is recorded on the ancestral lands of the Duwamis
TRANSCRIPT
Roger: How much control do we have over our own happiness? Do things make us happy? Or do we choose happiness as a reaction to positive experiences? I think I know a lot about happiness, but I wanted to talk to someone who has thought even more about joy and happiness. So I connected with happiness hero, Clayton Kirkland.
Clayton: Everyone needs to determine what their own track to happiness looks like. But it's important to understand That it's a continuous journey. So happiness is not a destination that you just magically reach one day. It's something that is going to change along that road. The path is going to change your entire life, but it's all about how you perceive those different roadblocks and those different paths that is going to help you find that happiness or not.
Roger: I really love this conversation because Clayton makes it clear that happiness is not just an outcome of positive experiences, but it's something that you have to work at and something you have to work on. Clayton works at the proclaimed happiest place on earth, and he's also a practicing Buddhist. Both things speak to a deep understanding of the human experience and what happiness is all about.
And Clayton is quick to point out that the value of happiness is obvious when you do the work for yourself. And yet, It is amplified when you're doing the work so others can experience more happiness too.
Clayton: By writing this book and by talking about happiness, I am now more mindful of these things myself.
One of the things one of my teachers taught me was the best way to learn is to teach. So that's why I'm doing some of these things. That's why I'm going out and teaching about happiness is because I then in turn, learn, you can't have a life without suffering. Basically. It's always going to be there. But it's the way that you react to that suffering and the way that you respond to that suffering, um, that determines where you fall on that happiness scale.
Roger: Welcome to the, what do you know to be true podcast? I'm Roger Kastner for over 25 years, I've been working with leaders and teams to help explore and co design new ways of thinking and taking action so that they could unlock their potential. And create meaningful impact in these conversations. I talk with ordinary people about their extraordinary skill, their superhero power and the meaningful impact it has on others.
The goal is not to try to emulate or hack our way to a new talent. Instead, the intention is to learn more about their experience with their superpower. And in doing so, maybe we can learn something about the special talent in each of us that drives us towards our potential. And living into our possibilities.
If you're ready. Let's dive in
Hi Clayton, welcome to the podcast.
Clayton: Hi, thanks Roger. It's great to be here.
Roger: Yeah I'm, so grateful that you are here and we're here together I'm, really interested in digging into what you know to be true About happiness and well being and your superhero power of being a happiness hero, but before we get too far Tell us what we should know about Clayton Kirkland.
Clayton: I am a life coach and public speaker. I like to go out and talk about happiness to other folks and how you can create happiness in your own life and happiness for other people. And as a life coach, I like to focus on the whole being. So I'm a lot of folks. Um, when I'm meeting with them have one or two specific topics that they want to focus on, um, and we talk about those things, but I make sure that we look at how it's connected to the whole being because everything is interconnected.
I'm also an author of a book called Happiness Trek, 200 Lessons for Happiness, um, that covers, you know, all kinds of things from, you know, decisions to have children to how to adapt to change. Uh, to dealing with various emotions and creating your own legacy. So my life goal and my mission and almost my purpose in life has become, you know, wanting to spread the message of happiness and how to attain it in your life.
Roger: One of my first questions is, we've been talking a lot about joy on, uh, in this podcast series and I'm interested to hear what you think is the difference between joy and happiness, if you do see a difference there.
Clayton: So that's an interesting question. I think joy and happiness for a lot of people are interchangeable.
I think the general population views joy and happiness as being the same type of thing. Um, now the textbook definition though is a little different. So joy and the textbook definition has more to do with Kind of a state of being, uh, and it's a little bit deeper than just the emotion of happiness. Um, I think that's why, like, in the Disney, uh, movies, Inside Out, um, there's a joy emotion, um, but it's, it's a little bit deeper, um, and it's kind of the main, Um, character, the main emotion among all of them, whereas happiness, again, the textbook version is a little more superficial, um, and, and it's more of just a, a temporary emotion, um, whereas joy is more of a state of being, um, but again, I think for most of the general population, we usually look at joy and happiness as being synonymous and being the same type of thing.
Roger: There's probably a lot of things like that unexamined, where things feel very similar. And I think of, as you just described, happiness is kind of a result of an event. But joy, joy being a state of being and potentially a motivator. for, for future action.
Clayton: Actually, I'm writing my second book right now, which is a series for happiness track, but it's about happiness in the workplace. Um, so I plan on writing a whole series on parenthood, the work, happiness in the workplace, even happiness for teens.
Because the need for teen happiness is much different than adult happiness, so.
Roger: What do you see is the difference between the need for teen happiness and adult happiness?
Clayton: You know, a teen's brain is wired differently than an adult, so it's not fully formed yet. The frontal cortex is still forming, so there's, um, the emotions are going to be different.
What is a priority for a teenager is going to be different than, um, than it is for an adult. What you are Trying to achieve for happiness as a teenager is completely different than what a, an adult who does have that fully formed brain and fully formed frontal cortex might be, um, you know, for, for an adult.
Roger: And is that book going to be for teens or is it going to be for adults on who have to help? Teens prepare to launch
Clayton: adults can read it to better understand the need of teenagers, but it's really geared towards teenagers. So, so the book that I have out now is it does talk about making decisions for happiness as an adult and, um, and, and how to get there.
So the book for teenagers will be geared very much the same way and helping them understand, but based on, What is the priority for a teenager right now in their life versus what is the priority for a 30 year old in their life?
Roger: It feels very timely and very important. I'm sure as you're well aware, you know, since 2012, the epidemic of loneliness Depression, anxiety, suicide amongst the general public, but especially teenagers, um, has skyrocketed.
And I just think about the parent group that I travel in and, you know, there are so many teenagers, young adults that are struggling with well being and mental health issues and so many parents that are desperate to help them with that, um, and no good answers.
Clayton: So I agree with you. One of the key components for happiness for any human being is that interpersonal relationships and the way that we get those interpersonal relationships that was different for everybody.
So I was having a conversation recently with some of my peers that are coaches, and one of the coaches was saying that she really would sway people away from. Um, from social media and away from, you know, just being online and things like that. And I actually disagreed with her because with technology today and with the direction that we are going as a society, so many things are online now.
And you can still have those interpersonal relationships. Through online outlets, so you can find support groups online. You can get therapy online, um, and even therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists. Those are still part of your interpersonal relationships that can help you develop that support system that you need.
So those relationships can be built in many different ways. And especially for teenagers, uh, that's where they're getting a lot of their relationships. So again, as, as we continue to evolve and things change, um, I think the way that we look at relationships and how they're formed are going to change as well.
Roger: And as you said earlier, interpersonal relationships is a source of happiness. I have never come away from spending time on my phone happy. But I absolutely come away from dinners with the family very happy and now, you know, with, I have two sons. One's in college and one's post college. Um, we very seldomly get dinners together.
And I think about that time, you know, those times when the kids were young and we were at the dinner table. And, you know, I don't even want to think about all the minutes I might have spent on my phone at the dinner table. when I could have been having those moments with the family. And so I, I love, I haven't thought about mindfulness practice as a gift to others.
I've always thought of it in a very selfish way as helping me be more present in the moment. I haven't, I haven't taken that next step as what am I being present for? And when that's with people I love, people who I associate with, friends, um, that, that feels like, uh, a very motivating reason to do that work.
Clayton: Yeah, I agree. And it's interesting because a lot of folks when they think of happiness or joy, Their first thought is how can I be happier or how can I be more joyful? But it's important to look at the bigger picture and think about how can I bring happiness to others? And, and you, you do need to find that happiness and joy for yourself.
By doing that, you are bringing, you will bring it to others. So it's important to think about, like in the beginning, I talked about how. You know, everything is interconnected within our body. So when I'm coaching somebody, we're looking at the whole being and how everything is connected. But also, everything in the world is connected.
All of us as humans are connected. And by changing your life in a positive way and making positive differences for yourself, whether you realize it or not, Creates a ripple effect in that, that carries on to other people that are, that you're connected to. And then they continue to carry that on to others and so forth and so on.
Roger: In this podcast series, not that it was discovered here at all, but in all of these conversations where we're talking about people, um, and, and guests are sharing their stories of their superhero power and it becomes a superhero power when it's in service of others. And how that is not only connecting, you know, creating that journey to purpose, but it creates joy for them because it's in service of other people.
And in a lot of the conversations, we're finding that that superhero power is first discovered. It reveals itself in attending to personal needs. But, you know, just like superheroes only get their capes when they're in service to other people. It becomes a superhero of power when it's. In service of other people, and it's this virtuous cycle of doing the work that's attending to our needs, doing it for other people has, you know, creates meaningful impact and then fuels us with joy, um, becomes so important.
And so that's where, you know, the, the connection I'm making today around. Of course, mindfulness, meditation, all those practices help us be present, but I, I think I've been selfish and thinking I'm being, you know, in present for myself to enjoy that moment with others, but doing it as a gift for other people really, really is, um, uh, one of the things I'm going to take away for this conversation. So thank you.
Clayton: You're welcome. Well, and it's, um, a lot of the things that we've talked about so far are, are really, um, rooted in some of the Buddhist teachings. So I, I'm, uh, I follow Buddhism and, um, you know, one of the key elements of Buddhism is serving others and, and bringing Um, good things to other living things, other sentient life and, um, and mindfulness is a big piece of that.
And, and again, just like you said, it's not just about being mindful for yourself, it's what can you do for other people, um, that will bring them. Less suffering and more joy in their life.
Roger: And that's exactly where I wanted to go with the next question around like the Buddha teaches us that life is suffering.
And I think this goes hands in hand with what we were just saying around, you know, reducing suffering Um, in thinking about that in terms of reducing one's own suffering, but not thinking about in terms of reducing suffering for others. And how, how beautiful that is. Um, do you see suffering and happiness as polar opposites, like on a continuum?
Um, or are they something else?
Clayton: So I, I like this question. I actually have a happiness scale and I built it similar to the pain scale that you would see at the hospital when the doctor asks you. So tell me where you are on the pain scale, one, you know, one to 10. And if you're at a zero on this happiness scale, you have unspeakable suffering.
So there there's a lot of suffering there, a lot of pain. Um, and, and, and what I call an absence of joy. Now, if you're at a 10. Then you have an absence of suffering and unspeakable and unimaginable joy. Um, you have abundant quality relationships and those types of things. If I were to look at this happiness scale that I put together, the answer to your question is yes, they are on polar opposites.
Throughout that scale though, um, you still are going to experience suffering. So to get to a 10. It's really difficult to do, um, you would need to almost experience awakening, um, as a Buddhist to, to experience a 10, but happiness is a very fluent, um, type of emotion, so it's going to change minute to minute, second to second, so things, anything can happen that can change you 9 on the scale to down to being a 3 on the scale, you can't have a life without suffering, basically, it's always going to be there, But it's the way that you react to that suffering and the way that you respond to that suffering that determines where you fall on that happiness scale.
Roger: I was having a conversation just yesterday with a coach and I was talking about, you know, I'm that zebra. And my relationship to the herd and this idea of, you know, there's lions that are out there and, you know, if you could be in the center of the herd, the more, you know, not only the more protected you are, the more safe you are, but it's usually within groups, the more centered you are, um, this is where.
You have more impact, you have more influence, you have greater connections, potentially greater joy. And the coach that I was working with astutely said, what if there are no lions? Which made me, which I'm relating to this conversation around how many, how many sources of suffering do we create? Ourselves that don't really exist, that are figments of our imagination or stories we're telling ourselves that don't really exist.
Clayton: And the lion may exist, but your perception of the lion could be completely wrong. Now we understand in nature, lions are predators and, you know, and everything. But, um, but when we're talking about just in relationships and life in general, our perception is our reality. And if you are perceiving somebody as a lion, who's going to be overbearing and, and be a predator, um, that person may not see themselves as a lion at all.
I've been told before, people have found me intimidating at first, just from appearance or things like that. I'm a big guy. But I consider myself this very gentle, loving, kind person, um, but it's all about that perception, and some people are going to come into that first meeting and see me and be frightened, um, once they get to know me and talk to me a little bit, then it gets better, um, but, but it's all about how you are perceiving me.
That lion that's in your life, if you try to build a relationship with them as the zebra, you might get along just fine.
Roger: Yeah, I'm going straight to Lion King and it's not, you know, the fully grown lion, but maybe it's Simba and maybe it's just really a kitten that just wants to be pet.
Clayton: Yeah. Yeah. And that's true. I mean, that's even, even the lion might want to be pet. You know, it's, uh, we, we all have, we all have insecurities. We all have our, You know, our suffering, um, like we were talking about, and, uh, you know, we all want that comfort from other people, and that's where those relationships play into it as well. If you are perceiving someone the wrong way, then this goes back to that interconnectedness.
Um, if you're perceiving somebody the wrong way, think about the impact that you might be having on them and yourself, um, by, by having that perception.
Roger: Yeah, that's profound. I'm human. I spend a lot of time in my head and with the stories I tell myself and not realizing that, you know, since we are all connected, those stories I'm telling myself affect the way I show up.
The words I use, the body language, you know, the energy I put out there and it makes sense that that would have an impact on others. So if I treat others like lions, it might be sending the signal that they, they probably should be lions to defend themselves or any other reaction they might have.
Clayton: Those relationships are important for everyone, no matter what level they're on.
I've even learned that CEOs and the company that I work for, you know, they, they, and executives, they are in these high levels and they have to make these tough decisions and, and they all seem like these very smart, um, intelligent people and they are, but I have to remember they're also just people.
And sometimes when I'm in meetings with them, I like to Make the conversation more personal versus. All right. Here's the business that we're here to talk about. I like to get to know them and connect with them, um, before getting into the business part of things, because. Everybody wants that connection, um, no matter what level you're on.
Roger: Okay. We're going to take a quick break and be right back after this. Each. What do you know to be true episode is an opportunity to learn from and get inspired by our guests who are everyday people with extraordinary talents, making meaningful impact in their communities. The best, no cost way for you to help support this podcast is to subscribe or follow the podcast and leave a comment or a review.
This helps us get the word out to other people, and it ensures that you won't miss any future episodes. It's great to have you be part of this community, and I'm glad you're here. Okay, let's get back to the conversation. Juan, you're, you're raising a point that several people have made around this idea that we need to bring more humanity into the workplace.
It is kind of interesting how when we are doing, you know, teamwork, we sometimes have to do things that actually bring out the humanity in people before we start doing the work. And when we're able to do that successfully, the quality of the outcomes and the likelihood of those outcomes actually being, um, enacted and put into place.
And the relationships that are formed tend to be higher, tend to be better.
Clayton: Yeah, I agree. The people that I have admired the most in my life are the people who are comfortable being vulnerable. Um, so the people that have. Okay, saying, you know what? I don't know the answer to that question, or I don't have the solution.
Those are the people that I respect the most and admire the most because they're willing to be vulnerable and just to be human. Now, I think you also have to be adaptable. So every situation requires a different type of approach. All of it still requires that consideration of humanity and that. You know, these are all people that all have emotions and feelings that we need to consider.
Um, but that adaptability piece I think is important depending on every situation. Um, you know, it could be different even with different executives that I've met with. Some of them I can try to connect with and have that personal conversation first. Some of them I go into the meeting with them and they're like, let's just get to the point.
What do I need to know? So I just jump into the business part of it. There's not going to be any of that chitchat, um, to begin with. Um, so, so that adaptability piece is important, but so is the vulnerability.
Roger: So as you were talking about the role of vulnerability in the workplace. To me, that just, it seems like to be human is to be vulnerable, and a way of exposing humanity is through vulnerability.
What do you see as the connection between vulnerability and happiness?
Clayton: I think in order to find Your own happiness, but also to be able to help other people find happiness. There needs to be vulnerability on both sides.
Roger: I'm really struck with when you're talking about happiness, you're often talking about the relationship with other people.
You're talking about happiness in the context of relationships of connections with other people. And it's not, um, it makes me wonder how many of those 200 tips to, to, to achieve happiness involve. interaction with other people versus just the things that, you know, I need to do so I'm happy. It sounds like, you know, a lot of them are going to be rooted in the interactions with other people.
Clayton: There's a good mix in there. So some of it is based on relationships. But a lot of it is also about how to find that happiness for yourself. Um, so, so I talk about all those types of things in the book as well, about how you as an individual can, can find those types of things and, and address them. Um, I also talk about what some of the.
The basic tools are for you for your own happiness. So you need to practice gratitude. That's really important every day to make sure you appreciate the things that you have in your life. It's important to get physical activity. Uh, you know, even if it's a little bit, so just do what you can and sleep is also really important.
Um, a lot of folks underestimate the importance of getting sleep and how it can impact your happiness and your emotions, um, and your own diet. Um, all of those things are important to happiness. So I talk about a lot of those types of things in the book as well. Um, for what you can do as an individual, um, to create your own happiness.
Roger: What or who inspired you to develop this superhero power? Of being a happiness hero
Clayton: by learning about Buddhism and the foundations of Buddhism, um, that was one element that contributed to me wanting to spread this message of happiness, but then also I'm currently a student at centenary university studying for my master's degree in happiness studies.
It changed my life and my view of things. It's an interdisciplinary program that includes psychology, sociology, theology, economics is part of it. So between this program through Centenary University and my Buddhism practice. It really inspired me to want to do more for humanity. So that, um, led to me writing this book, um, to me becoming a life coach, um, to me also doing the public speaking on happiness and, and all of those types of things because But even if I just change one person's life today or one person's life this week with a message That I'm sharing to me that makes a difference because as we talked about that ripple effect That person can go on to change other people's lives and continue and continue and continue from there
Roger: So do you have a framework or process you follow when you are employing your superhero power of being a happiness hero?
Clayton: I like to follow what's called the spire Um, method and, um, SPIRE is an, is an acronym for different well being elements. Um, so S is for spiritual, um, P is for physical, I is for intellectual. R is for relational, um, and then E is for emotional.
Um, so even when I'm coaching, um, like I talked about that whole being approach, I use the SPIRE method, um, in coaching. So we make sure that we look at all of these elements in your life because it's all connected. So that's really what drives a lot of my criteria and my curriculum. When I'm doing public speaking or any of those types of things, I try to make sure that I'm covering.
All of those elements of well being, um, as part of that SPIRE method.
Roger: And I think you've brought up components of that acronym in this conversation already.
Clayton: Good. Then, then I've accomplished my goal.
Roger: That's good. Well, don't, don't hang up just yet. Oh yeah, I won't. I won't. So, what, uh, what have you found to be your relationship between your superhero power of Being a happiness hero and your purpose,
Clayton: I think they're one in the same.
Really? I think a purpose, a person's purpose can change throughout their life. And, um, and my purpose I think has changed throughout my life. And I'm at a point in my life when. Um, where I realized this is what I want my purpose to be. I want to spread this message of happiness and how to find happiness and create happiness for others.
Because there are so many things going on in the world. That can cause us to be unhappy. I mean, there's, there's pandemics, there's politics, there's war. There's so many things. Um, you know, just reading the news can, can really bring you down. But I believe that there are so many things that we can be happy for as well.
Like even, even more things that we can be happy about. Um, and I believe that humanity really is. Good that the majority of people really are good people, um, despite all the things that we see in the media and all of the negativity that we see. So I want to see even more people. Um, taking this approach of happiness and mindfulness and, and finding their purpose and, and going forward and, and trying to make positive change in the world.
Um, so this is me just doing my tiny little piece in this world of millions of millions, billions of people. I, I see them as being the same thing. My purpose is to spread that message of happiness.
Roger: So what's the impact on you when your superhero power hasn't had an impact on others?
Clayton: I was about to complain about something, um, to my, my friends and family on Facebook and, and then I realized, I was like, wait a minute.
I just published a book on happiness. Like, what kind of message am I sending if I'm now going to go on Facebook and I'm going to complain about something? And then I realized also how trivial the thing was that I was going to complain about and I decided not to. Instead, I showed some vulnerability and I said, I was about to post something negative on Facebook about something that happened to me today.
Um, but instead I remembered I wrote this book on happiness, so I need to be careful of what I say on social media now, um, kind of joking, and my friends got the joke and thought it was funny, um, but it was, um, but it was real for me, um, I By writing this book and by talking about happiness, I am now more mindful of these things myself.
One of the things, one of my teachers taught me was the best way to learn is to teach. So that's why I'm doing some of these things. That's why I'm going out and teaching about happiness. is because I then in turn learn. I learn from every person I talk to. Uh, I've learned things from you today and the things that you say and the questions that you're asking.
It makes me think about things in a different way. I do that with the clients that I coach. I learn something from them as well. And I think that's something that we all need to remember is that every action that we take, somebody may be learning something from us. So whether that action is positive or negative, Other people are probably learning something from the actions that we're taking.
Um, and at the same way, you can learn something from your own actions. Um, by getting out and doing what you're doing,
Roger: what a beautiful story. Yeah. I mean, you went, you went meta on meta, but the idea of, you know, like realizing that it's very human to complain. Yes. But you have a choice and you chose a different path in that moment and then you chose to Okay, I'm learning from this now.
I'm gonna share with others So hopefully they might make a different choice or just be aware that they have a choice. That's beautiful
Clayton: Another piece that I would say kind of connected to this one of the Mottos or lessons that I like to remind myself of each day, and I actually have this on a checklist.
It's a daily mantra that I do each morning. It's a reminder. I give myself permission to be human while I may have wanted to complain. Let's say that I did do it. Let's say that I did post my complaint on there. That's that would have been okay too. Because I'm human and it's okay to be human. It's an important reminder for myself every morning when I get up, it's one of my affirmations.
Um, I literally have it on a checklist on my phone that I read off. I say, give yourself permission to be human. Um, and, and it works cause it, it almost lifts this weight off of my shoulders first thing in the morning.
Roger: I want to categorize it and that's my own fault, but is that forgiveness? Grace or acceptance or all, all of the above?
Clayton: I think, I think it can be all of the above. So I think it can be different for everybody. I do it because I have been a perfectionist for much of my life. Um, part of the way that I was raised, I had very high expectations that my parents put on me as a child. And it led to me having this mentality that everything needs to be perfect.
And if I make a mistake, then I have failed. And I now consider myself a recovering perfectionist, um, because I've gone through, I've gone through therapy, I've gone through lessons and everything to, to help me try to reverse that perfectionist mindset. For me, it is, It is a way of forgiving myself. Um, it's a way of accepting, um, myself for who I am.
But I think it can be different for everybody. It depends on where their mind is and, and what, um, what their mindset is at the moment. Um, as to how it might categorize for them as an individual.
Roger: So Clayton, what do you know to be true about happiness?
Clayton: The road is going to be different for everyone.
Everyone needs to determine what their own trek to happiness looks like. Um, but it's important to understand that it's a continuous journey. So, happiness is not a destination that you just magically reach one day. It's something that is going to change along that road. The path is going to change your entire life.
But it's all about how you perceive. The those different roadblocks and those different paths that is going to help you find that happiness or not, but it's but it's never going to be something where you just reach happiness one day. It's something that you experience on the entire journey.
Roger: And what did you used to believe to be true about happiness, but I've come to learn is not true.
Clayton: Well, I think I used to believe that happiness was found and what others thought about you. So other people's opinions, I think, weigh very heavily on people. And, um, again, as that perfectionist, I think. Other people's opinions were always very important to me. Um, and I have reached that point in my life where I, I now understand that is not the case at all.
Um, and other people's opinions really are not that important. Um, it's, it's about what I know to be true for myself and about what I'm doing for my life to make things better, um, for myself and other people. Um, that is the most important piece.
Roger: So Clayton, are you ready for the lightning round? Sure. Fill in the blank, happiness is Happiness is joy.
Who in your life is a happiness hero for you?
Clayton: My daughter, who is almost eight years old. She is the happiest person I know. She, her life is just amazing. Um, in her mind, and I wish I could be as happy as she is all the time.
Roger: Is there a practice or routine that helps you grow, nurture, or renew your ability to help others with happiness?
Clayton: First thing I would say is meditation. Uh, I think meditation is so important, and it's something that does take practice that you need to work on over time. Um, you know, it's difficult when you first start out, but, um, but it, it gets better as you do it more often.
Roger: And this is where either forgiveness or acceptance comes in because a lot of people will say they can't do meditation because they, you know, those random thoughts pop up in their head and they're like, no, no, that's, that's part of the practice.
Clayton: Yes. A lot of people think that you aren't supposed to think about other things while you're meditating, but it's perfectly okay, and there's lots of different types of meditation. There are types of meditations where you do focus on a specific topic, or you do think about a certain thing, and it's to help you sometimes solve that problem or that issue in your life.
Roger: And I love the focus earlier about mindfulness being a gift to other people. Don't just do it for yourself, although you will get benefits from it. Do it for the other people that you love than their part in your life. Okay. I'm violating my own rules of, of the lightning round by continuing to, to go deeper into the answers.
But then again, I will have acceptance for myself to do that. Is there a book or movie that you recently consumed? That you would recommend that has happiness as a theme.
Clayton: It's my favorite movie and it's the color purple. Um, so I know there's a lot of sadness and a lot of, um, you know, angst and, and the hardship in the movie, but in the end, the main character, she finds her happiness with her children coming, um, back to her home and, and she gets past all of the.
The grievances and the, the anger and the, you know, the terrible life that she's had and she finds that happiness in the end. Um, so I think it has a really strong message. It's, it's one of my favorite movies that I've ever seen.
Roger: What is one thing that gets in your way? Of being a happiness hero,
Clayton: my own mind, like we had talked about with meditation, you know, you think that you're not supposed to think about other things, but our minds are just constantly jumping from one thing to another, to another, to another.
And, um, and it can get in the way if you let. That what's called a monkey mind if you let your monkey mind get in the way, which we're all guilty of. I do it myself. It's redirecting and reframing that's really important and bringing that mind back to a good focus.
Roger: If a listener wanted to ask you a question or, and follow you, where do you want to point them to?
Clayton: Sure. So I have a website. It's www.happinesstrek.com. That's where you can find out any information about me. You can contact me there. Um, you can also find my book, um, on the website.
Roger: Well, Clayton, it has been an absolute pleasure getting to spend more time with you and speak with you today. And the thing I am taking away from this conversation is how much of happiness is not only work that we can do on ourselves, but in relationship with others.
for others. And that feels so, um, such a motivator, such a reason to do the work, whether it's the mindfulness work or to make that active choice to show up with happiness. Um, and, and, and how motivating it is to be able to be that happiness hero for other people to bring joy, to bring happiness to others so that they may experience more happiness and joy in their lives.
Thank you for sharing your perspectives, insight, and wisdom with me today.
Clayton: Thank you. And I love your podcast. That's fantastic. And I think it's great that you have given me the opportunity to come and share this message. Um, I've enjoyed it very much.
Roger: Mm. Well, Clayton, thank you very much. Take care. Bye bye.
Thank you all for being in this conversation with us and thank you, Clayton, for sharing your wisdom on being a happiness hero. The question I'm asking myself now after this conversation is, where can I bring 10 percent more happiness for others? So that I can experience more happiness to what do you know to be true as a three blue pens production?
And I'm your host Roger Kastner We are recording on the ancestral lands of the Duwamish and Suquamish people To discover the ancestral lands of the indigenous people whose land you may be on go to https://native-lands.ca
Okay, be well my friends, and love you mean it.