Staying Curious in the Coaching Conversation | Kevin Jones | True Snacks

[00:00:02] To Be True, Roger Kastner

[00:00:32] To Be True, Roger Kastner

[00:01:02] To Be True, Roger Kastner

[00:01:32] In that area and I think the coaching program I'm in is definitely going to help me with that.

[00:01:38] But I find myself in some of those coaching conversations where, you know, I'm like, okay,

[00:01:44] I know the solution. I know the solution. How can I start? And I might have done this recently,

[00:01:50] I might have started leading the witness to try to get them to the solution I wanted.

[00:01:57] And I think there's a form of judgment in there and a turning off of the curiosity and the turning on of

[00:02:06] wanting to be right or wanting to be helpful, maybe might be a better way of saying that.

[00:02:11] What do you find to be effective when you need when you might have some of those similar pangs

[00:02:18] or maybe earlier in your coaching when you had fallen into that same trap that I just

[00:02:23] described? What were some of the things that you did to stay curious?

[00:02:26] Yeah, I think the first thing that comes to mind is and this is something I learned at

[00:02:32] Hudson where I went through my coaching program. Having that moment when you start to notice,

[00:02:39] is this my agenda? Is this their agenda or is this my agenda?

[00:02:45] And just answering that question was such a powerful way for me to reset if I was

[00:02:51] starting to move into my own agenda. The other thing that I find super helpful is

[00:02:59] if I start thinking because I think as consultants, we are hired to solve problems.

[00:03:07] And so to shift from consultant mode to coaching mode also requires us to pull something back

[00:03:15] from consulting, which is what questions have I asked the client before I move into problem

[00:03:19] solving mode. Am I ready to help them solve this problem together? Is my solution going

[00:03:27] to work for them? And so the second thing that I do and I find I do this more and more is

[00:03:35] I will ask them, what solutions have you tried?

[00:03:41] Yeah, no, no, no, there's a little bit of like, okay, no, you just said the first three

[00:03:47] things I was going to suggest. So let's not suggest those all look smarter by asking that

[00:03:53] question, which is probably isn't the right way to think about that one.

[00:03:57] But I think to your point, I think the challenge there is we can know an answer

[00:04:03] and we can know a solution and it may work. I asked myself and this is maybe the third

[00:04:09] thing I do. Am I asking this question in the service of them? Does this help them

[00:04:18] get closer to finding the solution that works for them? Because it's like anything, right?

[00:04:26] If I tell you what I think you should do, you may go off and do it. If you come to

[00:04:32] a conclusion of what you think you should do on your own, you're more likely to not only do

[00:04:38] it, but sustain the change that comes about because you've embraced it at a more visceral level.

[00:04:45] So I just need to put my solution back in my cool little messenger bag and help facilitate them.

[00:04:54] So I've achieved that in consulting, in coaching again, I'm new to this journey,

[00:05:01] just a few months into it, but I find myself like, you know, inching into the front of the

[00:05:06] seat going, I know what you need to do and I need to learn to sit back in my chair and

[00:05:16] ask those questions of myself to notice that I'm beginning to get into solutioning mode and is

[00:05:24] this in the best service of my coachee versus is this in service of my ego or my desire to be helpful?

[00:05:33] Yeah. And you said something there. There's another term that I learned

[00:05:40] in my own coaching journey. Am I getting into their story?

[00:05:48] And so am I listening to your story or have I now jumped into it?

[00:05:54] I like that so much. I'm writing it down.

[00:05:57] And the power of that is I, if I am curious about you and I want to hear your story,

[00:06:05] as soon as I insert myself into it by giving my opinion, I've changed the story.

[00:06:12] I've changed the energy. Now I'm part of the narrative and how can I be part of the narrative

[00:06:21] and be curious at the same time? I can only do that if I'm listening to your pure story

[00:06:27] and where you want to take it without my interference, without my interjection.

[00:06:32] So when you are able to show up with compassion and empathy, when you're able to stay

[00:06:40] in curiosity for someone else, what's the impact that your talent of intentional curiosity

[00:06:48] has on others? I'm going to answer that, but I'm also going to tell you the impact it has on me

[00:06:57] first because this is what I think is the value in this in terms of how we approach it.

[00:07:04] The value to me is that it takes us places that we may never have gone

[00:07:10] if I had thought my answer was the right one.

[00:07:17] So the journey, this like winding path, it takes you into so many beautiful places

[00:07:23] you couldn't have possibly imagined. I think for the individual, I hope for the individual

[00:07:29] as I'm in the service of them is that it unlocks new ways of thinking about a challenge.

[00:07:36] We often talk about your mere presence in the coaching relationship as an intervention.

[00:07:43] And what I find more often than not is when I am in this coaching relationship,

[00:07:50] the individual just by me asking questions, by making observations,

[00:07:55] by connecting what they said 20 minutes ago to what they're saying now,

[00:07:59] it opens up new ways of seeing an issue, a problem, a relationship that they would not have thought

[00:08:07] about before because we're all on our own path until someone asks the question. Someone makes

[00:08:14] the observation. And so the value for them, I want to believe in what I have seen time and

[00:08:20] time again is just being able to break those thought patterns and create new ones.

[00:08:27] Yeah, and coaching will also talk about how people are creative, resourceful and whole.

[00:08:34] They can come up with the best solutions for them at that time.

[00:08:39] And I want to embrace that, obviously in those moments when I'm coming up with my own

[00:08:46] solutions and trying to interject them. I'm not living into that value. But I do believe

[00:08:54] it logically. And I'm a good friend of mine, of ours actually, from EY told me early on before

[00:09:06] I joined the coaching program that the biggest benefit that he had going through coaching was

[00:09:12] what he learned about himself and how to self-regulate and be radically present for

[00:09:20] our coaches. And that's what was the tipping point for me, hearing that

[00:09:26] the growth that I'm going to go through was something that really catapulted me into the

[00:09:33] program and I'm feeling it. I love that, Roger. And I love the radically present notion.

[00:09:41] I mean, I think it's the other side of the coin of intentional curiosity

[00:09:45] because to be radically present is not just about I'm here, I'm in the moment.

[00:09:53] It is making sure that others know that and that they sense it and that you have created an

[00:09:59] environment where your presence invites others to do the same thing. And I think about,

[00:10:09] I use even just a basic example to your point about the journey that coaching takes you on

[00:10:13] in your own life. I have noticed when I'm out there in the real world, kind of going back to

[00:10:19] what I was saying about my own personality being more of an introvert at parties now,

[00:10:25] going out to social engagements, I don't feel exhausted at the end of the evening anymore

[00:10:31] because I don't feel like I have to perform anymore. I get to go and ask questions of

[00:10:37] others. I get to take my curiosity and ask, and who, what better topic than to talk about yourself?

[00:10:44] And so people love when you ask them questions. I get to find out something. What am I going to

[00:10:50] learn about this person at this party that I didn't know before? I get to take that

[00:10:55] curiosity, get to know more. I get to come home at the end of the evening and talk about

[00:11:00] all the things that I learned and found out about others as opposed to how many people did

[00:11:06] I tell about myself. And there's something so wonderful about taking what you learn in coaching

[00:11:13] and being able to apply it to other areas of your life. And in this case, it also has the

[00:11:16] added benefit of I don't dread going out to things anymore. I don't have that social anxiety

[00:11:22] because it's not about me anymore.