Unlock the Power of the Stories We Tell Ourselves | Rewriting Inner Narratives with Corinna Calhoun

Transcript - Rewriting Inner Narratives with Corinna Calhoun

Roger: Hi friends. I want to give you a quick heads up that in this episode, we talk about our guest's involvement as a counselor for a youth mental health crisis hotline and how she works with teenagers who are experiencing thoughts of self harm and suicide. If this is a topic that's too uncomfortable, please consider forwarding through that portion of the episode or skipping this episode altogether.

If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis, please call or text 988 immediately. If you're uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can chat on the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline found at 988lifeline. org. That's 988lifeline. org. Additionally, the Trevor project is a resource for youth who are experiencing a mental health crisis and want to talk to someone.

The Trevor project was established for LGBTQ youth to reach a counselor at the Trevor project. You can text 6 7 8 6 7 8. You can call 1 8 6 6 4 8 8 7 3 8 6. And you can go to their website at the trevorproject. org. That's The Trevor project. org. And those resources are listed in the show notes as well.

Thank you.

Corinna: And I noticed a lot of negative, well, that's not going to work, or I'm not going to be able to do X or that person. Isn't going to buy into my, my concept, et cetera. And so catching it and, you know, in a coaching situation saying, tell me more about the story I'm hearing. You tell yourself. Like, what's that about?

And, um, why is that true? Is that true? You know, what would you do if that were not true? Questions like those help just sort of lift the veil, right? So you've got deeper awareness of the story that you're telling yourself. And then I can say, Hey, what do you think about crafting a new narrative to replace that one?

Would you like to work on that?

Roger: Hi, I'm Roger Kastner and welcome to the, what do you know to be true podcast in these conversations? I talk with ordinary people about their extraordinary skill, their superhero power and the meaningful impact it has on others. The goal is not to try to emulate it or hack our way to a new talent.

Instead, I'm interested in what inspired our guests to develop this talent, how they think about their superhero power, and the impact it has on others. The intention is to learn about their experience with their superhero power, and in doing so, maybe we can learn something about the special talent in each of us that makes us unique.

You've probably heard someone say, the story I'm telling myself is And this technique is helpful because it lets us and our listeners know that we hold the possibility that other storylines may exist and that the one we're telling ourselves and others right now is malleable and might change. While we believe it to be true in the moment, we recognize that the story is subject to change based on new evidence and perspectives.

This conversation today is with Corinna Calhoun, and one of her superhero powers is helping others to rewrite their inner narrative. In this episode, Corinna shares how to understand, unpack, and change that story we're telling. We cover how she became inspired to rewrite her inner narrative, and from that experience she shares a four step process she learned that she now uses to help others rewrite their inner narrative.

And of course, she tells us what she's learned to be true and not true about rewriting the stories we tell ourselves. What can stand between us and the thing we want for ourselves, or how we show up for others, are what Corinna refers to as limiting thoughts, and the deep groove of a storyline that we keep repeating to ourselves.

And yet, we can make a different choice. Corinna shows us how we have a needle in a haystack. Across the record moment, when we rewrite or re etch the grooves our storylines travel in to sing a new song, to have a new narrative that supports who we want to be and how we want to show up. If you're ready, let's dive in.

Hello, Corinna. How are you doing?

Corinna: I am doing well. Good to see you today.

Roger: Good to see you too. Um, so today we're talking about your superhero talent of rewriting inner narratives and would love to, uh, start off with who inspired you or what inspired you to develop this talent?

Corinna: About, I would say seven or eight years ago, I really started hitting a wall career wise.

It's working in tech. I'd been working in tech for a very long time. And I came to realize that the reason why I was struggling with job satisfaction was because I had created this inner narrative that was all about my value being directly tied to the scope, scale, and complexity of the job that I had.

And. What happens when you have a very narrow definition of success is it's very easy to miss it. And I, after a bunch of self work, lots of, uh, uh, deep questioning of how that story got started and why I had held onto it for so long, I decided to rewrite it and rewriting my own concept of self worth has led to all kinds of self worth adventures and new learning and deeper connections with other other people, honestly, as well.

Roger: So that we're on the same page about rewriting the inner narrative. How would you define that?

Corinna: Think about what tapes play in your head on a regular basis, right? We all have certain stories that And, you know, in some cases, they serve us when we 1st, create them.

Right? I'm a fantastic problem solver. I'm the kind of person who blank. Right? Unfortunately, sometimes these stories. Become or are inherently negative or limiting in some way. Um, I never do well on math tests. I am not the kind of person who right? And so part of the trick for me was even. You know, becoming aware that I had this story, this tape that was playing that said, unless you are doing X.

You are not worthy. Right? And so coming into awareness about this narrative took some time for me to sit still with myself and say, what am I telling myself? What is the tape that's playing in my head? And then what do I want to do about that?

Roger: Tell me a little bit about how, how this, um, this shows up for you and you're in your work and in your friendships and you're with your family.

Corinna: Well, before I do that, I'll break down a little bit of the process that I identified for myself, um, because I had to understand and fine tune my own Mechanism for this before I could explain it to anybody else, right? It's like being really good at math. If I can't tell you how I solve the math problem, it doesn't really help you very much at all.

So, um, and I will say, I give credit to Peter saying, Chris, there's been a lot of. Work done on inner narratives how to rewrite them what that process looks like, but I kind of cribbed down my own And I've done this for multiple narratives. Not just the one that I had about work and worth And so the process is this first I write down whatever the story is in as much detail Um, and it's great if you can catastrophize this, like, oh, I'm completely worthless if I'm not blah, blah, blah, you know, just, but in as much detail as possible, sort of remembering internal conversations I've had with myself.

Right? And then the 2nd process is, um, data collection. So, I write down all the reasons that story is not true. So where's all the evidence that I can find that, you know, Statement A, Statement B, Statement C is inaccurate? And then the fun part starts, which is then I write down what's the new narrative. So, for me, and in my own personal case, I wrote a story around my worth as a coach employee, mother, you know, wife, et cetera, friend is.

Tied to being of service to other people, right? There's a much more expansive narrative. There was a lot of different ways to be of service to other people. And then the fourth stage is I started, and I go back to this on the regular, um, collecting data that proves that the new story is true. Here's the evidence.

Oh, I feel more connected. I'm, you know, in closer contact with relatives. I hadn't spoken to in a while. I feel more impact in my coaching work and so on. So so once I was able to sort of break it down like that into pretty manageable chunks, um. I started using this in my coaching work with with my clients in particular.

So, um, I've got a couple of clients who are female entrepreneurs, and I don't want to make any. You know, so broad statements, but that's a, it could be a tough kind of work environment to be in and, and I noticed a lot of negative. Well, that's not going to work, or I'm not going to be able to do X, or that person isn't going to buy into my, my concept, et cetera.

And so catching it. And, you know, in a coaching situation saying, tell me more about the story I'm hearing you tell yourself. Like, what's that about? And, um, why is that true? Is that true? You know, what would you do if that were not true? Questions like those help just sort of lift the veil, right? So you've got deeper awareness of the story that you're telling yourself.

And then I can say, Hey! What do you think about crafting a new narrative to replace that one? Would you like to work on that? Is that something that's interesting to you? Um, it's not for everybody, you know, I will say that meaning, you know, there's an edge of woo woo to some of this that, that can come up, especially with very rational minded people.

Well, what if I do have evidence that the other story is true? Like, what if, what if I am right? You know? Which is a whole other fascinating conversation about resistance and why we resist things. Um, but for those people who are genuinely. Curious about the impact of language, especially internal language on.

Our lived experiences and, um, curious enough to want to take action. Um, I've seen some pretty powerful results. Come about as a result of, of folks working very, um, intently on shifting their internal talk track.

Roger: Okay. There's a couple of things that I would like to pull the thread on 1, this idea of of people that are that have evidence that are. That proves that their story is true. Um, what do you do? What do you do for them?

Corinna: How's that story working for you? It's as simple as that, right? You know, it's, uh, I was talking to a client the other day about, you know, there's that saying in psychology about relationships that you can be right. Or you can be in a relationship well, you can be right or you can be in a loving relationship with yourself and and telling yourself, you know, affirming narratives that are more likely to engender positive behavior.

Right? So it's not about like. Completely making up farcical notions of of who we are, right? I'm not going to sit down and be like, I'm going to write a narrative about how I'm a neurosurgeon and I can go do brain surgery because yeah, why not? But if there's a story that I've created that is limiting. My ability to be present, to be empathetic, to be curious, to be, to enter into things with sort of an open heart, it behooves me to work on that narrative, right?

It's only going to make me a better person. If I believe that I can change and it's, it's, it's true scientifically, right? Neuroplasticity. We're constantly creating neural pathways in our minds. Um, and it's really about which ones you choose to create. It's like, uh, I tell people, I always think of like a greyhound on a track, right?

The more that greyhound runs around the track, the deeper the grooves get. So you can do that with a story about not being good enough, right. Or a story about I'm never the person who fill in the blank, or you can You know, direct your Greyhound to a different track, right? And it's difficult at first because they're used, it's accustomed to running in the track that's been in, but, uh, You will fire up new neural pathways that become the new default narrative with training and patients over time.

So, yeah, I don't know if that answers your question, but yeah, it's usually around. Do you want it to be effective or do you not

Roger: and I imagine there's there's an element of confirmation bias here. The people are looking for the data that supports the stories that they are telling themselves. And so there's, there could be a little bit of that, that, uh, vicious cycle where they have some evidence, they tell themselves a story, they go find more evidence, um, where, you know, on one hand, you know, showing them evidence that might be a little different or helping them look for the, the opposite.

Roger: I love the way you put it like, okay, how was that story working for you? If you want to change it, you need to do differently. Um, do better to be better type thing.

Corinna: For sure. Yeah. I mean, I love that you bring up the confirmation bias because it's so, it's so wired into our human behavior.

We are not aware of it, but what we look for is what we find. And if our brain is looking for evidence that we're a crap friend or, you know, we can't, um, Contribute in the way that we, we've always wanted to, or whatever it is, then our brains without any further direction whatsoever. It's just going to go look for that data in the background.

Right? So that step of writing the new narrative and then. Choosing to go look for confirming data that the new one is accurate. It's just, it's like, it's just a neurological hack. You're just hacking your brain to go pay attention to something different than what it has become accustomed to paying attention to.

Roger: You were explaining the really a data driven approach and the data that we pay attention to, um, and it's the emotional side that I think probably drives a lot of the storytelling, but the unpacking and reforming rewriting is, is feels like it's more on the, uh, on the data driven side, on the logic side, where does emotions come into play on both the beginning and the rewriting side?

Corinna: Yeah, it's a great question. I think the data driven approach a, it just, it works right? And it does bridge. It creates that bridge for somebody who is highly logical, highly rational to. Maybe engage in some self work that they wouldn't do if it didn't seem. Structured and based in neuroscience, which it is, um, emotions are.

Very important on a couple of different fronts. I don't know where I even want to start with this. Cause I can go on. You'd be like, all right, we're wrapping up here, Calhoun. Um, I mean, the first, the first thing I would say about emotions is you need enough negative emotion to, to trigger the change in the narrative in the first place, right?

If you don't have enough negative emotion, you're not going to be motivated to change. Things are good enough. You're going to kind of keep telling yourself, whatever the story is and, uh, and keep humming along and keep getting more of what you're, you're getting. Right. And so. So, 1 thing I would say is like, it helps to do this work with other people, right?

That's why it's easy for me to catch these narratives with, with my clients, because I'm listening to their words at a level that they may not be right. And I can spot these things and then say things like, how does it feel when you tell yourself that story? What emotions come up for you? What sensations are coming up in your body right now?

As you tell me that, right? And if it matters, then the person will get in touch with that negative emotion. It feels awful. I feel tightness in my chest. I feel like that burning behind my eyes. Like I'm going to cry. They'll, they'll get into contact with the negative emotion, which is what. Propels change and growth, right?

We don't get it for free. So, so I guess, you know, 1 is having a, having a, a friend or a partner or a coach or somebody in your life who is listening to you well enough to help you access whatever the story is that's limiting you in the 1st place. Right? So that's 1 place for emotion. The other is on this journey, right?

You know, he talked about, I talked about the 4 steps, um, part of the looking for affirming or confirming data about the new narrative is paying attention to how you feel. How do I feel when I tell myself this story? And when I feel that way, how do I behave? Right. And you get into that behavioral change pattern.

And that is when you really start cooking with gas, right? Oh, I'm, I'm calling my friends more frequently. I'm inviting my family over for dinner. I'm going on date nights with my husband, whatever it is. Right. Ah, okay. And what's happening then? Right. So you want to get, it sounds absurd, but you want to get into the muck, right?

Of the negative emotions. As impetus towards doing the work, which then brings you to the positive emotions, which reaffirm whatever the behavioral changes you've taken.

Roger: When I've heard people talk about storytelling, there is a combination of the emotional side and the logical side and that they need to be married together or, um, or the story's probably not going to land as well.

And so I think the way you just broke that apart really helped crystallize for me, how both, you know, the data, Is really important for us to understand the story that we're telling ourselves and rewriting that story, but also the emotional part. Like, what are the feelings and what are the behaviors both probably in the original story as well as the story we want to rewrite.

Corinna: Yeah, there's a great, uh, worksheet that I was turned on to by a professor of mine. Um, and I'll look up who created it. I always forget, but it's called one belief at a time. And, um, it's just, it's another, it's a. It's got more questions, it's differently structured than the process I typically use, but, um, but one of the things that's really magical about it is it asks questions like, who would you be without this belief?

And so in thinking about tapping into emotions, like that question by itself can elicit a lot of strong emotions. I mean, it appeals to the intellect as well, because you're like, Gosh, I haven't thought about that. That's a really interesting question. But then who would I be without this belief can really unlock a lot of, um, a lot of like, really important emotions like regret, you know, shame, guilt, these kinds of emotions, which are difficult, but again, serve a purpose as Indicators that it's time to change, right?

Roger: And as you were saying that I was thinking about the importance of identity like, who do we say we are? Not only the story, but who we are, the character that we play in the, you know, in the novel, in the movie of our life, and this, the story that we're telling ourselves right now is just a chapter.

But once you get, once you tie it into identity, which is so tied into emotions and feelings and behaviors and likely, you know, the, the part that we're talking about. Telling ourselves about our identity is, I would assume is not the full picture.

Corinna: Yeah, well, there, I mean, there are a lot of theories around that.

You know, if you look at family systems theory or parts work, I don't know if you're familiar with that, right? Like our concept of identity is typically formed early in life by different parts that are trying to protect us. Right. And, and then we grow up and a lot of times we have internalized whatever that.

Narrative is about who we are, what our core identity is. Um, and we don't ever bring it out into the light and really examine it. And then, you know, there are other pressures, you know, obviously if somebody's, um, working through gender identity or sexual identity or racial identity or any kind of identity work as they go through life.

That can become very complicated, right? I thought I was this person. Now I feel like this person. I, it's, it can be very untethering, um, to not have a clear and coherent sense of identity that matches how you want to show up in the world. Identity gets very complicated for me. I'm not as clear in my own head about like, All the forces at play there, other than to say, again, like, it really helps to have other people help through this kind of work.

Right? Identity is also socially constructed, right? So it's going to be socially your sense of yourself is going to be influenced by the people that you're talking about your identity with. Right? If we surround ourselves with people who are supportive and open minded and whatnot. We can have a more expansive idea of our identity, or with people who are judging us, or have beliefs about different identities being more valuable than others.

It constricts our sense of who we are, right? We become those labels. And so not only. Is it important to have people to talk through these things, these topics with, but who you choose is really important as well.

Roger: So tell me about the work you do with the Trevor project and how rewriting inner monologues, narratives, stories come into play there.

Corinna: Yeah, for any of your listeners who are not familiar, the Trevor project is an organization that serves L. G. B. T. Q. youth in crisis. Um, so we've got a bunch of different programs, including a 24 7 crisis line, um, for young people. Um, we also get people outside of that demographic and we get people who don't identify as LGBTQ, but that that is the population that we seek to serve, um, to help them.

In moments where they might be thinking about, you know, ending their life, um, or are in crisis of some other kind. And, um, and so I am a volunteer crisis counselor. So, what that means is I take calls from young people in crisis, um, to about 12 hours a month, um, across 4 different shifts. And, uh, what I've what I've noticed, and I can tell, you know, sort of a vignette that that.

You know, puts this into into a story that I think folks can understand, but but what I notice, especially with people in crisis is, um, the most negative talk tracks are the ones that come to the surface. Right? That's where you get, um. Both stories about how hopeless a situation might be. This is never going to change.

Um, it's never going to get better. Uh, nothing that I can do, you know, anything in that range. And also, unfortunately, especially for, you know, these young people in. Some of them in very rural areas, really difficult areas where there's a lot of anti trans, anti LGBTQ legislation and bias and bigotry and so forth.

They've also, a lot of them internalize narratives about that, that there's something wrong with them, right? And then you add to that potential body dysphoria, right? I am one person, but when I look in the mirror, Sort of meet thing in front of me doesn't match that. Right? So there are a lot of different layers that these folks.

Are navigating and so, you know, the work that I do as a crisis counselor is very specific and trained based on the protocols that they train us on. But 1, the vignette that I'll share, you know, 1 example of, of. Maybe creating some awareness for these folks in crisis is around. You know, asking, asking them to explore their story a little bit more with me.

So the, the, the vignette in question, I was talking to young person really struggling, just, um, you know, it's about a two hour call and, and, uh, a lot of escalation of emotion, right? So a lot of tears, a lot of hyperventilating, a lot of this sort of the helplessness, but also, you know, what was heartbreaking was they kept.

Using slurs on themselves, like words I will not even use in this conversation because they are offensive, but they were referring to themselves over and over again. I made this, I made that, and, you know, I said at 1 point, I said, I keep hearing you say these words and I wonder, are those your words or are those somebody else's?

And the caller was silent for, you know, a good couple of seconds there, which was the first time in the call that they had, you know, been, been quiet like that. And they didn't really, you know, it was, it was, it was one of those moments from, you know, I'm not certain that I made the impact that I hope that I did.

But that pause. That, you know, if you can get an exhale, that's even a better signal that, like, something important is happening. Right? Um, that pause made me hopeful that the next time that person uses that language against themselves, they might ask themselves that question. Are those my words? Or are they somebody else's and in that question, you know, it's like, it's like the Viktor Frankl quote about the space between stimulus and response right in that space is a choice.

And maybe with asking the question over and over again, maybe the choice becomes those are not my words, right? That is not how I choose to describe myself. Um. So, yeah, so that's how that's how this kind of work. Plays out in in the crisis counselor context specifically.

Roger: So 1st off, I want to say thank you. I can only imagine the long line of parents who want to give you a hug. For having a conversation with their children that, um, they may never know about, but, you know, the, the idea that you were there in their child's, um, most, um, precious moments that, that, you know, where they were at risk, um, and, and, you know, it's, it's, it sounds cliche to call it life changing  experience, but that doesn't sound that far off from what you're giving these people as you described that, uh, that experience of asking that question and getting them to have that pause to take that Excel. It sounds like you have, you know, got them from their reptilian brain, working on the emotions, working on that story to asking them.

A data question that brings them up to the prefrontal cortex and they have to think, and they have to think outside of that, that deep groove that they're in of the story that they're telling themselves.

Corinna: Yep, the greyhound is looking around. Wait a second here. Maybe, maybe there's a rabbit over that field over there.

Yeah, absolutely. It's, it's another, it's another hack, you know, if you want to, if you, I don't, and I don't use that in a negative way. At all, right? It's if I know that I can train my puppy to go outside instead of on the floor, I'm going to do that. If I know that I can train my brain to go behave in a way that's going to produce more positive results that I'm, I'm going to do that, right?

I don't know why I have so many dog references here, but. Yeah,

Roger: I'm not gonna, I'm okay with dog references. But the word hack is an interesting one, because I think of what you're giving people as a gift and getting them to get out of that rut to think about with, they're probably not even aware that they're telling themselves a story and they're not even aware of, you know, the, um, the impacts that story has, and they're not even aware of where that story is not true. Which becomes super valuable where they start questioning the validity of the story they've been telling themselves, what they think of their own identity, what they think about themselves and showing them that it's possible to think differently. Differently just for a moment and maybe that moment's long enough.

Corinna: Yeah. Well, and I think the more you, you practice, the easier it gets, right? Cause what we're talking about is just metacognition. How do I, what do I think about how I'm thinking? Right. And it can feel clumsy at first, especially with these sort of. Inner, you know, inner narratives in our monologues that we're so familiar with.

Right? It's like background noise. It doesn't been playing these tapes forever and ever. And so popping out of that, uh, a gift hack, you know, it's both right? It's, it's, it's learning how to step out of that and examine the thought process and say, I get to choose if I want to continue having this 1 or if I want to have a different 1 and replace it with something else.

Roger: Yeah, and maybe this answers the earlier question around, you know, why is it so valuable to have this in, um, in conversation with someone else because that groove might be so deep. You can't get out of it, but having someone else question, you know, why, why are you in that groove? Why are you telling yourself that story?

Corinna: Sense making is social. We can't, I mean, so. We can do some sense making on our own. Right? So, uh, I know you're a fan of the morning pages as an example, right? And that's a way that's a mechanism for us to get our thoughts on paper where we can. Observe them and make choices about them, but most sensemaking is deeply social, right?

And so we talk, we co create, we talk our realities into existence. And so the other thing that I was thinking about is just that we haven't talked about as much. We've been talking more about internal work or kind of one on one work, but organizationally. You, the OD guy, you know, this better than anybody, right?

What, what are those organizational stories that need to be rewritten? Why are you always in the number two spot behind company X, right? Why, you know, whatever the, the organizational story is, um, a lot of times people aren't even that it's like the water, you forget that you're even. Telling these stories, but if you can get a group to identify them and acknowledge them, then the group can decide what kind of different story they want to create for themselves and what new data they want to go find to support that new narrative.

So, yeah, it's, um, the more brains, you can get positively focused on this activity, the more expansive. You're going to get a canvas of a potential new set of narratives that, that a, that a group or an organization can choose to take.

Roger: So what do you know to be true about rewriting inner narratives?

Corinna: I know it's easier with other people.

I know it takes patience. I mean, I still, I've been working on that one story for what, seven years. I still, it still comes up and I'm like you again, what do you, I thought I got rid of you and it's like, yeah,

are you feeling angry or lonely or tired? I'm going to creep back into your consciousness. So, um, yeah, so it's, it, it works best with other people. It requires patience and it works. Yeah. Those are the three things I know to be true.

Roger: What did you believe early on about rewriting inner narratives and have learned that it's not true?

Corinna: I grew up with a very fixed idea of capabilities and strengths and, um, have always been, I would say, typically more in the intellectual versus the emotional, you know, sort of, um, brain. And so for me, it, it, it really, I did not grow up, Or have early adulthood experiences that were conducive to rewriting inter narratives.

I just, I just thought, whatever that tape is, it's logical. It's correct, you know, and I'm just gonna make it work. Right. I'm just going to work within it as much as I can. And so it really wasn't again, until I got really deeply unhappy and deeply dissatisfied. Uh, in a work context that. I was forced to go explore other alternatives.

Roger: So you had mentioned that, um, this change in how you thought about your own, um, inner narrative happened about seven years ago. And you, um, I believe in that time have become certified as a coach, I believe. Um, and well, I, I know that you just recently graduated with your master's in organizational development.

Um, this, this period of seven years seems to be one of tremendous growth for you. Um, and how much have you been rewriting your story along that time or has it been the same story that you wrote seven years ago?

Corinna: Yeah. So, you know, I would say it started seven years ago. Um, but it's been This, that, you know, it's been, it's been all over the place.

I would say, you know, in hindsight, it kicked off, I was actually working at Amazon at the time for like the biggest, most, um, complex, uh, very intellectually satisfying job I've ever had. And yet I was miserable. Um, and, uh, so it's, I, I can still remember the day that my, um, What would we call this? My existential crisis started.

Speaker 3: Right. The story, I guess you get to write the title too.

Corinna: Yeah, we don't need to go there, but like there was a full Jerry McGuire, like moment in my head, at least not, I didn't grab the goldfish and storm out. But, um, yeah, it, um, so to answer your question, you know, it started about seven years ago, but it's been up and down and left and right.

Okay. The, the like true narrative work, I would say I started in early 2020. So I didn't even get to that stage for, you know, three or four years of other efforts to understand. Well, first there were efforts to run away from how I was feeling. Those were not successful. And then there were efforts to understand it.

Which eventually led to me hiring a new coach and getting into this narrative work and identity work. Since then, I have, I have revisited, I actually have it in a notebook. It has like stickies all over it. I've revisited the original, the OG four step narrative about my self worth, but I've also done many narratives.

Um, and so I've sort of. Looked around the edges of that self concepts that I, that I started working on, uh, in 2020, and I've explored like, where else can I improve this? Right. Um, as a parent, there's lots of material. If you ever need to like really go to town on limiting beliefs. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So I've, I've kind of revisited the core and then I've, I've looked at how can I Um, what's still holding me back and where do I want to, what do I want to work on next?

I highly recommend anybody going through. You know, a period in their life where they're like, something's just not clicking right. And I want to figure out what to do about it. Um, go hire a coach, you know, hire a good one, shop, do your shopping, you know, meet with the ones until you find the one. But, um, again, it's that, it's that person who is listening intently to understand, as opposed to give advice or to fix or to advise that can really help bring these things into the life.

Roger: Is this work easier to do with a friend or with someone who is not personally invested in your experience?

Corinna: I think it's best done with somebody who has the skills to listen without judgment. Right? And sometimes the people who are closest to us. Are actually the worst people to do this kind of work with, because they've got their own stories about who you are.

Right. And those are, you know, depending on what the level of relationship is. I mean, go talk to my kid, right? He's got a very clear idea of what kind of person I am.

Roger: They might pile on the negative data.

Corinna: Yeah. Well, and, and those people who are closest to us often want to protect us. Right. They, there's a genuine desire to make things easy for the people you care about.

Right. And that's not what this kind of work is.

Roger: Okay, so you just mentioned asking questions that matter. Um, this, this may or may not be a set of questions that matter. It's the lightning round. Are you ready?

Corinna: Yay. Okay, so

Roger: yeah, fill in the blank. Rewriting inner narratives is.

Is there a practice or routine that helps you grow, nurture, or renew your ability to help people rewrite their inner narrative?

Corinna: So, um, I can show you, I have three different journals that I write in every day. Uh, they have different purposes, but, um, I mean, journaling, journaling, journaling. You know, and, and being in a daily practice of, you know, paying attention to what's working and also paying attention to the, to the squirrely negative stories that are creeping up through the Ivy,

Roger: a favorite book or movie you recently watched and would recommend that has rewriting inner narratives as a theme.

Corinna: Well, I mean, I'll always say Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. Um, You know, that is one of the most powerful, you know, iconic works about how can you use your mindset to survive, you know, unimaginable horror kind of situation, uh, in the Holocaust in his case. Um, there's another one though that I like that's called The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck.

Um, That's a good one for folks who maybe are a little bit earlier in the journey of figuring out what their values are and what's important to them. It's got some worksheets that kind of guides the process of getting to that kind of clarity. So that's, that's another one I'd recommend.

Roger: What is one thing that gets in your way?

Of rewriting an inner narrative.

Corinna: I often have to have a lot of conversations with the controlling part of myself that wants. Things to be very tidy and logical. And sometimes this work is untidy and not linear and other things. So, so I often have to tell that part of myself, like to just take a seat.

Roger: That, that tidy part wants to get through this discussion as quickly as possible and start sorting things as quickly as possible, which probably means pushing you back in deeper into that groove.

Corinna: Yeah, well, and I see it. I mean, I have some clients who I think, oh, bless your heart. I can understand where that's coming from, where, you know, they're, they're wanting to accelerate the journey, right?

Like, okay, got it. Great. Let's get started. I'm gonna boom, boom, boom. Six months from now, I'm gonna walk into the sunshine. Everything's gonna be great. And I have to say, ah! For sure, you can make some progress in that amount of time, but what you really need to be prepared for is a lot of two steps back, three steps forward, one to the left, one to the right.

Like, that's just, that is just the way these things work. And so, coming to acceptance with that is, It's very hard for me, or has traditionally been very hard for me, and I, and I still, it's still something I got to work on all the time.

Roger: Which goes back to your second thing that needs, that is true about this, of having patience

Speaker 4: and

Roger: acceptance.

What word or phrase describes what rewriting inner narratives feels like when it's had a positive impact?

Corinna: Freedom.

Roger: Love that. If a listener wants to ask you a question or follow up with you, where do you want to point them to?

Corinna: My only socials, I'm very simple. I'm just on LinkedIn. Hit me up there. Uh, you know.

Corinna Calhoun and I actually do respond most of the time. So

Roger: outstanding. Well, thank you so much for sharing what you know, to be true about rewriting inner narratives. And I'm really excited to spend some time thinking about my own stories based on this conversation. Um, those things that I'm telling myself to be true about myself, that.

Maybe I need to rethink some of the data and that, yeah, maybe get myself out of my groove as well. So thank you for sparing thought and for me, um, and for our listeners.

Corinna: Yeah, for sure. It was fun.

Roger: I am grateful for the wisdom and lessons that Corinna shared with us today. And I'm thankful there are people like Corinna in the world that help others who are looking for change, be it in their career and their personal lives, or in the most dire situations of loneliness and despair to be able to provide the tools and help others take control of a situation and change the story that led them to the place where they don't want to be and into a new story.

With a different and positive outcome, Corinna not only has a superpower, she's a freaking superhero who is changing and saving lives. Corinna uses the groove metaphor for the unchecked and unexamined stories we tell ourselves and how our brain looks for confirming evidence that supports the messages that keep us in that negative groove.

Corinna helps people get unstuck by rewriting those stories following a four step process, and I'm going to repeat those steps because they're so important. The first step is to write down the story you are telling yourself in as much detail as possible. Second step, write down all the reasons why that story is not true.

The third step, write down a new story that you want to be true of who you want to be and how you want to show up. And fourth, write down all the evidence that points to that new story being true. Corinna shared what she's learned to be true about this process. That it's easier to do the work with someone who is trained to do this work.

It takes patience. And ultimately it works. So the reflection question for us is what is the story we're telling ourselves about our own superhero power. If we want to examine or rewrite that story, we can follow the four step process, Karina outlined. So first as one of her things she knows to be true, this is probably helpful with someone who's trained to do this with us.

So perhaps finding a coach would be good. You can start yourself, like she did, so write down the story you're telling yourself. About your superhero power, perhaps that story is that you don't know what your superhero power is or that you don't have one second step, write down the evidence. You have that says your current story is not true again.

This is where it might be helpful to ask a trusted friend or colleague about the moments. You shine in helping others. Third. What could the new story be about your superhero power? A way to think about that. How could you have even more impact in the service of others? The fourth step, what is already true about that new story?

What evidence is there that you are already living that new story if you don't know what your superpower is? One of the easiest ways to learn more about it is to ask a trusted friend or colleague and as a heads up They're likely to ask you what you think their superhero power is. So be ready with a response in advance I want to reshare two resources.

I mentioned at the top of this episode If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis, please call or text 988 immediately. If you're uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can find the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Lifeline. org that's 9 at 8 lifeline. org. Additionally, there's the Trevor project as a resource for youth who are experiencing a mental health crisis or need someone to talk to the Trevor project was established for LGBTQ youth to reach a counselor at the Trevor project, you can text 6 7, 8.

6, 7, 8, you can call 1 8 6, 6, 4, 8, 8, 7, 3, 8, 6, or you can go to their website at the trevorproject. org again, that website, the trevorproject. org and their phone number is 1 8 6, 6, 4, 8, 8, 7, 3, 8, 6. Thank you all for listening in. If you like this pod, please subscribe. Please do us a favor and give us a review or click that like button, whichever platform you're on.

Thank you for doing that. It's a great way for others to help discover the podcast. What do you know to be true is that three blue pens production. I'm your host, Roger Kastner. We are recording on the ancestral lands of the Duwamish and Suquamish people to discover the ancestral lands of the indigenous people whose land you might be on.

You can go to https://native-lands.ca

Be well my friends.